Are THEY the narcissist or am I??

One of the most common concerns that arises for clients who have had exposure to people who exhibit narcissistic behaviors, particularly if those people are parental figures, is whether or not they are actually narcissists themselves.

This game of "Who's the Narcissist" usually occurs after the person has been separated from the original source of narcissistic trauma for long enough to begin to feel safe and has begun to negotiate interpersonal relationships in some form.

Whether platonic, familial, or romantic, most survivors experience anxiety around engaging in relationships because the trauma previously experienced was so destabilizing it created a wariness of others, a fear of their aptitude to cause pain, and a lack of self-trust to keep themselves safe and whole while in connection.

Having been in relationship with a narcissistic person is much more than simply having been with a partner who was selfish; Being in relationship with a narcissist means feeling the constant, pervasive threat of the total annihilation of one's personhood.

Within the relationship with a narcissist is the implied risk of becoming completely erased by the other person: their personality, their wants, their needs, their ideas, beliefs, dramas...their chaos...completely swallowing you up until you cease to exist.

Such a pointed threat to one's existence can indeed create a trauma response to being in relationship on any level and the ensuing dance of pushing against and yielding to the other in an attempt to establish safety is fraught with insecurity and worry.

And one of those worries is "Am I asking too much? Am I pushing my own agenda too much? Am I a narcissist??"

This is entirely normal.

In an attempt to recover an internal sense of balance and create relationships that are honoring, respectful and boundaried, the survivor must find the ego strength to insist on their needs being met. This means stepping up, being seen, and having accountability to yourself over the need to people-please and be sacrificially accommodating.

And this feels SO wrong on so many levels.

For many, even the ability to KNOW their wants or needs or desires at any given time is undeveloped and hard won. It feels foreign to even ask the question of oneself...like there is self-aggrandizing even in the asking.

This discomfort in realizing and verbalizing your relational "must have's" and "rathers" is completely contrary to the blind self-obsession of a narcissist. These are most assuredly not a sign that you are a secret narcissist; It is a sign that you are unused to taking up space when in relationship and you are determined not to disappear again.

It is the soul's push to be seen.. to be known...and to be held. This is a sacred part of the Self that recognizes their intrinsic worth and their desire to love and to be loved.

And in that beautiful question, when a client talks about how they insisted on something or expressed their anger or disappointment to the other person and then wonders aloud, "But...am I a narcissist?" all I see is the strong, brave part (usually a child part) who has picked themselves up, is finding their footing, and is asking to be loved.

And I usually respond with, "The fact that you are worried about this is a clear indication that you are not." We review what they have endured in relationships, what they have learned about what little importance their needs were given in the past, and how negotiating equal position within a relationship is healthy.

The fact is that narcissists do not spend time worrying if they are narcissists. They rarely ever entertain the possibility that they might be asking too much from anyone. In fact, they have very little awareness of anyone else's internal experience and really don't wonder about it at all.

Of course, this is more true of those who meet diagnostic criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder, in which the foundations of interpersonal relationship strategies have been cemented into the individual's personality. But regardless, the likelihood that any person who has sought therapy to delve into self-improvement and worries about how they might be taking up too much space in a relationship is next to none.

So if you have been struggling with similar concerns, just know that the healing from relational abuse on any level takes time, patience, and a fervent determination to return again and again to self love.

Sending you all so much love

~Mandi